LOVE - A Confession

I was born with mother love – it was taken from me immediately. ME & SALLY
I knew it for a moment and then it was gone.

Foster parents left me alone in a room to scream myself to sleep because I was so full of anger and indignation at being left full of fear, alone with no mother love. When eventually I was given up for adoption I was fourteen months old - I had malnutrition- bedsores to the bone and rickets. My mother had abandoned me both physically and emotionally.

I got a new mother with her version of “mother love” but it was not mother love. She was not my mother or anyone’s mother. I was not her son – she couldn’t love me for who I was only for the child she wanted me to be She wrapped me in her suffocating swaddling fear so I was wrong all the time at every turn – I wasn’t wrong and I wasn’t what she wanted or expected so she abandoned me emotionally- I was NOT the child she wanted.

The neighbors next door- The Nappers- invited me in and I was always round there – every chance I got – anything to get away from my “mother” anything to spend time with a Mum and Dad who liked me – who enjoyed me –who never judged me whom I could entertain and get a bit of acceptance that I never got home  

I searched for it continually in every place, person and thing, everyday in everyway, I was always so intensely desperate to find it, to know it, to breathe it, to live it, to get it back, to swim in its idyllic freedom again.

Every part of my being my charm, my intelligence, my creativity, my wit, my eyes, ears my sense of smell, my instinct and my intuition worked together feverishly full time, all the time, all my life, never stopping never relaxing, in my efforts to find and regain my mother love.

I had a million heartbreaks when I thought I had found it and I hadn’t. I made a million mistakes when I nearly had it but I didn’t and a million times I threw it away because it didn’t live up to my expectations or I couldn’t make the bridge or the compromise I needed to reach out and grab it. I spent a million dollars trying to prove myself worthy of it, to acquire it, to be recognized for it or by it or worthy of it.

I went to the limits of my intelligence for it, I turned my self inside and out playing every role I could to get and find my precious mother love, losing myself in my endless twisting turning pursuit of it. I put everything on the line I ever had over and over again compromising my life, my desires and my ability to function. I needed that love like a drug - I was so intensely addicted to what I thought it was I was ready to kill or be killed just to know it again smell it again be close to it again – have it love me again.  

I got some love here and there in dribs and drabs but nothing fulfilling or sustaining enough to satiate my intense never ending hunger for it
In my desperation for love I gave my criticism to those who didn’t give me enough love or the right kind of love I needed or I wanted. I would readily destroy them, embarrass them, damage them or hurt because of their seeming ineptitude at being or giving the love I so desperately needed -the love I wanted
I became indignant at peoples exploitation of love. Outraged at people who destroyed love locally, nationally or internationally. I became an outspoken advocate for love, as I knew it should be. I was the philosopher, the psychologist the knower of all things a wealth of knowledge and advice, a tyrant, a bon vivant, a manipulator, a comedian, an a sexual athlete, a cry baby, a genius, a fool, jack of all trades and a master of none.
I was always in pain for my loss, always suicidal because I had always had enough of enough of everyone’s betrayal of love. I was always angry at the way I was treated, always poor me, sad at the way other people were so tight with there love - always desperate always right, always throwing the baby out with the bath water

I was a spearhead, so sharp, so targeted, so sure, so strong, so focused I could spot love running anywhere around me like It were a sweet little bunny rabbit and I was a veraciously hungry fox. 
All my searching my lack of finding drained me exhausted me and spoilt me warped me and changed me whilst educating me and driving me to a place where I was unacceptable and found everyone else to be unacceptable

Then along came Sally who showed me love without ever stopping, never wavering and never changing. I found real love