My wife doesn’t laugh at my jokes but she does laugh at my penis

My wife is a great worrier – I went out for a few hours when came home late she was cried  “I was so worried I did a number 3”

My wife calls me Dick and my name is not even Richard

I’m getting a divorce my wife has outlived her uselessness

I went to see a heart surgeon -  I walk in he’s eating a four cheese pizza

The doctor said if want to slim – you need to exercise and stay on a liquid diet
So I swam round me pool with my mouth open

Now I am older my sperm has turned into frogs

How does a blind man clean up after his seeing-eye dog?

I went to see a movie and came out with posttraumatic stress disorder

I had a roommate who worked in a zoo. At weekends she brought home an orangutan called Archie. She got very angry with me because she said wasn't treating Archie like a human being

I am a priest- Sometimes I wear a dog collar if I can get the dog to sit still long enough

My hypno-therapist is very beautiful woman with a great body. I said to her “When I’m hypnotized please feel free to take advantage of me”

The supermarket check out girl says “Hi” I say “Yes I am–what’s it to you?

My psychiatrist said to improve my self-esteem I should buy a dog and call it men “Come here men!”

My shrink finds me so entertaining when I go for my session he sits there listening with popcorn and a drink

My parents were passing ships in the night so I was born a little dinghy

My mother ruined my brother he was very submissive. – he  always felt  put down every time she called him“Neil!”

I love my mother –I offered to fly over here for a vacation but she refused to get in the crate.
I went to see my mother on her 93rd birthday - she was in hospital. I hadn’t seen her for years so I thought for a bit of fun I’d wear a red clowns nose. The nurse takes one look at me and says “If she sees you like that she might have a heart attack and die”  “O K” says “if that doesn’t work I‘ll try something else”

Recently my mother went to the hospital for a check up and came home crying and howling like a baby – “What’s the matter?” I say
“I’ve got terrible news she says “The doctor says I’m getting better”