My wife doesn’t laugh at my jokes but she does laugh at my penis
My wife is a great worrier – I went out for a few hours when came home late she was cried “I was so worried I did a number 3”
My wife calls me Dick and my name is not even Richard
I’m getting a divorce my wife has outlived her uselessness
I went to see a heart surgeon - I walk in he’s eating a four cheese pizza
The doctor said if want to slim – you need to exercise and stay on a liquid diet
Now I am older my sperm has turned into frogs
How does a blind man clean up after his seeing-eye dog?
I went to see a movie and came out with posttraumatic stress disorder
I had a roommate who worked in a zoo. At weekends she brought home an orangutan called Archie. She got very angry with me because she said wasn't treating Archie like a human being
I am a priest- Sometimes I wear a dog collar if I can get the dog to sit still long enough
My hypno-therapist is very beautiful woman with a great body. I said to her “When I’m hypnotized please feel free to take advantage of me”
The supermarket check out girl says “Hi” I say “Yes I am–what’s it to you?
My psychiatrist said to improve my self-esteem I should buy a dog and call it men “Come here men!”
My shrink finds me so entertaining when I go for my session he sits there listening with popcorn and a drink
My parents were passing ships in the night so I was born a little dinghy
My mother ruined my brother he was very submissive. – he always felt put down every time she called him“Neil!”
I love my mother –I offered to fly over here for a vacation but she refused to get in the crate.
Recently my mother went to the hospital for a check up and came home crying and howling like a baby – “What’s the matter?” I say